eh im sick of not feeling any emotion and just accepting that things are shit and not being able to deal with it or anything, i dont even cry i just feel so numb to everything, every so often my stomach drops or i feel sick but that’s about it and it sucks because i feel like this pain that im not even able to feel completely isn’t going anywhere, im sick of just being okay all the fucking time, i want to be really happy, not even to have to pretend it anymore or distract myself to think im feeling it, i feel so shit about myself but its like i cant even cry about it and hurl up in a ball and deal with it that way because im just so fucking numb
why is it i go an do things that are only going to make me feel worse? i went and stayed over at a guys house last night who i thought was back with his ex, apparently not but its like i go over there thinking maybe itd be fun, or really cute and we could cuddle or anything but its not because at the end of the day its just really about sex and its so pointless because i cant even be around people without feeling miserable because i know thats all they want from me, yet i still go see them? how the fuck does that work out, i shouldnt go, but i do? only to not even enjoy myself and wish i was sleeping in my own bed, alone! just fuck i start feeling a little better then go make the worst decisions for myself and im back where i started
its a joke that not only 2 months ago i didnt even notice that you messaged me and always wanted to hang and if you didnt reply till a day later i didnt even care or notice and now im so aware of it all because…i dont even know maybe i like you argh this is so stupid, im so fucking pathetic grr
i just feel like cutting everywhere on my body again and again, just destroying myself because people are fucking destroying me anyway, why cant i just finish of what they started
the one thing that is pissing me off about all the shit that happened on the weekend is the fact you claim other people dogged you and hurt you and made you have a shit night (as well as me) but im the only one that you’re purposely ignoring, true! i did something wrong but last time i checked it takes two people to have a fight, and you said pretty hurtful shit too but just because im you’re best friend doesnt mean i should be blamed for everything else too ergh, if you got dogged by other people be angry at them for that, not everything was my fault :’(
tbh i’m in that mood where i hate everyone, like literally you piss me the fuck off, there is only one friend i can stand atm and thats because she gives me attention but doesn’t notice whats really going on with me, and its great because i dont have to explain myself at all, shes so airheaded it gives me a break from everyone bossing me around, or picking on me, or just in general being an annoying shit to me. worst part is i have so many upcoming events where im suppossed to drink and in all honesty i cant be bothered because i’ll end up so pissed i just tell everyone that there annoying.
completely just g’d myself up for something that clearly wont happen, i thought maybe we’d hang as friends or have sex again or idk anything but clearly it’s just the same old shit but a different person, i feel so stupid now, it looks even worse that im trying to actually talk to you to ergh im just so pathetic for even trying
"You’re like a flower in winter these days. Open up a little. Romance somebody."
- my horoscope
idk how to romance somebody, can’t the person i want just romance me instead? wah