for the first time in like months I’m feeling full of energy, maybe because work was so crazy tonight that i just had to smash it or because I’ve had such a wonderful talk with my coworker, or maybe because i finally had a period which I’ve skipped for several months, I’m finally feeling like my head is clear again and that i have energy back but with that in mind if i continue to feel like this rather than sluggish and unmotivated i want to choose to spend my time and effort on positive things -

i really REALLY want to get my driving sorted (i have a plan) I’m going to book 3 sessions in with a teacher again and get back into it, i don’t care how many hours or how often i do it so long as I’m learning, once I’ve done the hours with a teacher ill book in with my dad for sessions when I’m not at work and gradually teach myself to drive safely enough to be able to drive my mum places on her days off, id rather feel like I’m getting somewhere with it than avoid it all together, this isn’t specifically about getting my license but i need those hours, i need to feel like i can drive and that id be able to get license if i went for a test, i could even forge the hours eventually if i del capable enough to drive but I’m missing out on not having it and now my best friend has hers i feel like i owe it to her to take her places and drive her around so this isn’t only for me but for my friends and for my family SO YES MY MY MINDSET WILL BE ON THIS

AND EXERCISE

i need to get back into a healthier lifestyle in order to keep my energy up if i actually want to accomplish goals, so I’m going to focus on small amounts of exercise frequently for both my wellbeing but also so i don’t feel so crap about myself anymore, this means I’m going to try plan what i eat in advance to that day, cutting out sugary snack is my main goal, if i have a plan or an idea of what i can eat that day then i might feel more obliged to stay away from snacking for energy - I’ve also got to stop taking on other peoples beliefs of whats healthy and unhealthy - fruit, veg, protein, meat and small amounts of bread is what I BELIVE is a healthy diet, so i have to ignore people saying fruit is bad and juices are bad, ill trial out different things, more fruit to more veg and see how my body feels and work out whats best for me and then stick to that, at the moment i just want to focus on eating foods that don’t fill me up and foods that make me bloat so this means more veggies, more snaking on small healthy things like a piece of fruit or chia seed cups (i don’t care if it doesn’t taste to great) i think over time my body will adjust so from tomorrow I’m going cold turkey for 72 hours to get rid of those sugar cravings, drinking more water might help too 

other small things id like to accomplish by the end of the year is:

organise my money more (start saving small amounts each pay day) even if isn’t for anything, having money saved handy isn’t going to be a waste no matter what, also only spend a certain amount on certain things, i can buy clothes and shoes but only a certain amount each week depending on my pay, rare expenses can include clubbing or date nights with friends but i need to stop doing so much activities which include money, find activities that are priceless like going for a sun bake or watching movies at friends, or cooking dinner at home for friends, or a spa night or drinks at home with the girls, even just going to the gym or walks 

spend more time with bella outside of work (literally love her so much) i feel like although were so different we are the same, she makes me so happy, intact i just need to spend time with people that make me happy, I’m over negative people and negative emotions if i want to get anything done or stay in a happy mindset i need people that actually love me to be in my company 

be truthful - with ben, with dan, with my friends i let people make the decisions for me rather than take control, if i don’t want to hang out or font want to have sex with someone that should be acceptable and be in my control 

i also need to stop feeling guilty for not wanting to do the same things as my friends, i don’t want a boyfriend, i don’t want to go out clubbing hardly ever, but i feel like there should be a balance and i shouldn’t have to go out to see them, try with my friends to do stuff outside of clubbing and stuff and if they aren’t keen then stop trying

i know this may seem like a load of crap and maybe ill wake up tomorrow exhausted and angry because of work but writing this down may help with achieving it, I’m not in a horrible place anymore and maybe I’m a lot happier than i was but i need to keep pushing for a better me and a better lifestyle, i want freedom, i want money, i want clarity, i want to be happy more, i want energy, i want a healthy body, i want to drive, i want to have nice things and indulge myself, i want friends that care, i want a good relationship with my parents and although most people seem to have this so easily i have to work for it, but all of these things would help me be in a better place and continually help me grow in a proper adult, i know its not going to be easy and maybe work might get me down or i don’t have time but if i have these goals in the back of my mind hopefully it’ll encourage me to achieve them step by step

tomorrow I’m going to wake up and plan what i eat and talk to my dad about driving and book lessons and thats one small step in the right direction, and thats just what i have to do, wake up each day with small goals that’ll help me reach my massive ones 

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i wish these guys would just stop messaging me, one of them is so so so lovely and he’s so sweet but i just don’t want anything more than friendship and its gonna kill me to say that to hime because i know he wants sex and that off me and ergh its just i always give guys what the want but what i want is nothing, i want friendship and thats it and i know if i told them they’d want nothing to do with me, plus i hate hurting people like that because one upon a time that was me with someone else ergh 

i don’t even know why I’m typing any of this because I’m looking for help or answers with how to deal with a situation like this and no one off here will even read this 

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I just feel like crying and idk why I hate being a women, I hate feeling like I’m not good enough, just arghhhh my emotions are all over the place

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Idk why I didn’t know this but having a British passport is like a huge advantage, I can literally travel or move to anywhere in Europe. I didn’t realise that for some of my friends that they don’t have that option, they have to be accepted into Britain depending if they have family or are in need of them based on there job. I don’t know what id do if I new I was stuck here in Australia for the rest of my life. For so long I’ve hated that I was not born here and that I’m not a proper australian and now I’m so fucking thankful for having the opportunities other people won’t ever have because I was born in the UK

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a part of me wants to stop eating so my body can eat away into being super small but i also have learnt to appreciate my curves and my body again but ergh sometimes id rather be so skinny so i can hide away in that and for people to recognize me for being small, idk just sometimes id rather not be womenly because i dont even feel like anyone even notices me anyway  

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im not going to be a push over anymore, im not going to let you say one thing and then treat me life shit, i might have known you for a long time but your changing so much and i dont need friendships in my life that are become so bitter because most of the time you couldnt care less about me or my life your too self involved all the time now 

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Although the job I’ve got will suck and I’m working with food I’m so excited that I’ll have money and that I’ll be saving up to move to the UK. I’m happy I have a goal and an idea of what I’m doing with my life. Its only 6 months and then I can start fresh 😁😄

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sterility:

i wasn’t in a good place2014

i big part of me wishes that i hadnt of gotten this job so that i could have been leaving to england in the next month but now ill have to wait till the end of the year 

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