i feel really bad for my dad right now because hes lying downstairs on the couch because mum lost it at him for something that isnt even his fault and the problem is my mums going through menopause so when she loses it theres no way of calming her down and she literally goes mental at anyone including me ergh i swear to god i hope by the time im her age there better have some sort of pills or cure for pre menopause coz if im anything like her or treat my family the way she does once shes stressed id rather shoot myself 

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things i wish i could tell you part 4
drunk thoughts 
i’m sorry for being such a mess and saying all the wrong things but the darkness in my head was drowning me and i’m as bad at swimming as i am at everything else. 

i wish i had a friend i could tell everything too, the deepest saddest most confusing things i go through without feeling bad for crying and letting everything out, and instead of hugging me or telling me how similar there feelings are id rather they just nod and look at me with complete understanding so they know that its not okay and “it wont be okay” but that ill always have them. its horrible suffering so much on my own, and whenever i do try and talk to any of my “friends” i know none of them really give a fucking shit 

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plus im gonna drink this time so fingers crossed that gives me some sort of confidence like how it used too

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im not even keen to go tonight to this gig, idk why its mostly coz im stressed which is stupid because why would i be stressed about going out for a good time??? meh idk i guess its coz im dreading the high even though i still enjoy parts of it, its just i get really stressed on them and feel really anxious and struggle to talk to people which is like the total opposite of most peoples reactions ergh and yeah i just wish i had more friends going because i can just sit or stand with them and not even have to worry about making conversation because i know them and there not randoms where tonight im only going with one friend so ill probably be fucked on my own half the time coz im not friends with her friends and theres just people there that i know will cause shit and then thats why ill probably end up on my own ahhhhhh

BUT I PAYED FOR THE TICKET so i am going so hopefully none of this happens and i have a good time hahaha

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goals ~~~~~
  • dont worry about likes and posts, i can upload or not upload as many photos as a like on instagram, im not ugly if people don’t like my photos, use online media however i want 
  • although i dont have a job and im not studying at the moment im not any less of a person because of it, im still interesting, i still have likes and dislikes, i can still talk to people about other stuff - try not to beat myself up because of it
  • dont be afraid of talking to people when im out, just because i think im boring doesnt always mean other people will, but at the same time if i dont want to or feel shy dont beat yourself up about it, if they really wanted to talk to you, theyd keep trying 
  • stop stressing about my weight, its only a number it can go up or down so long as im happy, exercise is good and eating healthy is even better but dont get upset and freak out if i have something unhealthy and decide not to exercise 
  • stop being embarrassed of yourself - dont lie about what your doing, tell the truth about wanting to go to england, about not being sure about what you want to study and mostly DONT give a FUCK about people who judge you for the decisions your making
  • let myself feel my feelings more, stop hiding it all deep inside, just cry more because it’ll help and even if it doesnt at least it makes you tired and makes you fall asleep 
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i think the reason ive stopped trying to see my friends is because they come and go whenever they want, like they become all consumed in there problems or love lifes or whatever and then out of nowhere they ask if i want to come to some event/gig/valley because they need someone there and then they’ll disappear again for while until we go out, and then it happens all over again. they only ever seem to be around at the moment when something drastic has happened to them and need someone to talk to or they need someone to go out with one night. so inbetween those times i actually don’t have friends, and whenever they see me they don’t even ask how i am anymore, its all about them and there problems, and sometimes that’s okay because its a distraction and i like to help, but im getting pretty fucking sick of having to keep to myself because they believe there problems are so much more important than mine. problems cant be compared or measured and im not saying theres is worse or less important than mine, but it would be nice if someone was to actually bother asking how i am.  

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i had the most graphic dream last night about him which is really weird coz i dont ever think of him when im awake hahahahahah it was actually so retarded and so realistic i swear it all happened 

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i think the reason i finally broke down yesterday was because i dont have anyone to talk to anymore about my shit, i spend so much time on my own i drive myself crazy emotionally and physically. this whole exercise/healthy eating has kinda gotten out of control because its all i think about and the more i exercise the more flaws i find in my body so i keep trying to lose weight and i feel really stressed for the whole day if i didnt exercise in the morning and its pretty much a viscous cycle that i cant break because if i have a day off i feel so horrible and fat, so what was meant to be a hobby has become a sick obsession with trying to get a “perfect body”. its not only that but i seem to be helping everyone else out with there problems which are always based on relationships ect and i think they think im fine because my problems aren’t concerned with a guy not liking me, so i resort to keeping everything to myself because they seem to think im okay so therefore ill keep pretending i am. its been 3 months now that ive been stuck at home every single working day and yesterday i just literally lost it because i need to get away, out, but the decision of moving away for a bit stresses me out so much i start breaking down,i think the thing is ive just tried to push on and hope things will have a way of working themselves out, ive kept applying for jobs, ive kept trying to keep positive about everything that ive just completely cracked. it hurts to know im such a useless person, that noone wants to hire me, even after i worked my ass off for a year doing a diploma in something i ended up hating, i feel like a complete failure as a person, im failing at life. eh i havent felt this low since last year, and im more alone than ever, because i have absoloutly noone to fucking talk to about all of this

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